Negativity

“When it rain it pours.”  “That’s just my luck.”  “Why does this always happen to me?”  Do you or anyone you know say these things any time something goes wrong in life? Although saying statements like these may not seem like a big deal, studies have shown that we can actually cause continued negative events in our life as a result of it. No matter what you may believe to the contrary, negative and adverse things will  be a part of your life until you change not only what you say, but especially what you think. Our thoughts are more powerful then you might imagine and when you speak negative thoughts out loud it actually confirms that they’re true. It took me quite a few years and a lot of practice in my sobriety to fully be able to change my thoughts from negative ones to positive ones, but it was well worth the effort. Today I have very few problems in my life, but if I do experience some unwanted or adverse situation,  I use it as a chance to grow personally and spiritually. As I said though, it took a lot of time and practice to change how I think and even today there are times when I catch myself thinking negatively. Fortunately I have learned that stopping these negative thoughts and trying to find the positive in an adverse situation helps me live a happier and more useful life. A life that while certainly not perfect, is much better now then when I was drinking and creating a life that while not always lived in misery, sure seemed that way because of my negative thinking.

A simple reason for fear

I wrote a lot about fear in my book,  but I thought I’d share something I read a long time ago in the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous that for one reason or another I didn’t include in my book. It basically suggested that we were afraid we wouldn’t get something we wanted or that we would lose something we already had. I like this because it is a simple reason why some of us can feel fearful in our lives from time to time, especially considering how things seem to be today.  However, there is something else I read a long time ago that I did include in my book that has helped me many times in overcoming my fears and be happy in life. “The only cure that I have found for fear is faith.” I then added the following to it. Faith there is something rather than nothing that created the Universe and life for a reason. I call it God and I pray to it in the shower.  I am beginning to believe more and more that however you choose to define it, faith is needed to be less fearful today and to be happier in our lives.

Better than we were before

I wrote in my book that we can be happier in life by trying to be a better person than we were. However, I know for me, doing so isn’t always that easy. Sometimes I don’t feel like being a loving and kind person or want to be understanding and tolerant of someone who isn’t being any of those things themselves.  I do try though, and even if I am the slightest bit unkind to someone, I will apologize and tell that person it’s not who I am or who want to be. I then move on and try harder next time to be the person I say I am.  This is simply a part of growing spiritually and it helps me to be happier in life. There are other ways we can be better than we were before that doesn’t involve spiritual growth, but can also help us be happier in life. I have learned that if I’m open minded and try to understand other peoples views on things, it can go along way in not only being better able to practice love and kindness toward them, but becoming better educated on things I don’t understand. Many times after I listen to what someone else thinks about something that interests me, even though I may disagree with what they are telling me, I still investigate what they told me and sometimes learn something about the subject I didn’t know before. It doesn’t always lead to me changing my own views on whatever the subject was, but it does help me to try and find some common ground to stand on with that person and accept them for who they are and what they believe in. This then adds to the happiness I feel from growing spiritually because I know I’m also growing as a personal. This self education along with my continued quest to be a spiritual person is one of the main reasons for my happiness in life, and also helps me to love myself and be happy with who I am, even when I sometimes still behave like someone I’m not.

Freedom is an inside job

I’ve been hearing how some people, apparently attached to a specific political group, are worried about us losing our freedom in this country and that our current President is the next coming of Hitler. I for one believe that happy people don’t talk or worry about things like this. They have already obtained a freedom of sorts, wherein they don’t let fears and insecurities take away their happiness and have a confidence in themselves that tells them they will be all right even when things aren’t.  I’m not attached to any political groups or completely free of  fears and insecurities myself, but I can honestly say I don’t worry about too much anymore and have learned that I can be all right no matter what my current circumstances are.  I have also learned not to fear the worst and even if unwanted changes occur and things look bad, my experience has been that everything really will be all right if I believe it will. Three years from now, even if we elect a different President with a different political affiliation, things aren’t going to be a whole lot different. Something changed in this country a long time ago and has manifested into what we are seeing today, which is a greater division among people here than ever before. A division that started a long time ago, and has continued to grow through many different presidencies. I wonder what the Forefathers of this country would think about this division, as they certainly envisioned our country to be a different one than the one we live in now. What really makes me curious though, is why it seems so many people with money saved and a well paying job they appear to like, seem to be the ones worried about where our country is heading?  Maybe it’s because they think they have something to lose. I have no savings and a job that barely pays the bills, and certainly have something to lose myself. Yet I still have hope everything will eventually be all right even though it isn’t, not really for me, but for other people in the same boat, and especially those in much greater distress do to the fact that they never had the opportunities some people have. If you’re happy and I hope you are. Then be grateful for the friends and family you have, whatever money you have saved, and a job you like that pays your bills. But please also look at what the corporate millionaires and billionaires are talking about. They’re talking about the profits they’re somehow making despite the economy and how funny it is that some people think our President is the next coming of Hitler. What they’re not talking about however, is that our country is going to hell in a hand basket and that there is nothing but doom and gloom in our future. Then again neither are the middle and lower class people I know. They’re simply too busy trying to keep what they have and being as happy as they can in the job or jobs they have, despite doing more and in some cases making less and not getting much needed cost of living raises. I will admit I’m starting to worry more about one thing. That these people are beginning to lose the hope I have that everything will eventually be all right even though it’s not for them.

Where does ego come from?

I’ve heard people who while apologizing for something bad they said to someone during an argument, say things like. “I guess my ego just got the best of me and that’s why I acted the way I did. ” Or. ” Yeah, my pride and ego has always been a problem for me, and I need to get it under control” As a matter of fact, in some of the AA literature, “Pride and Ego” is mentioned as something many Alcoholics have way too much of and is said to be the cause for some of the difficulties they face in life.  While I would never dispute that pride and ego has caused some of my own difficulties in life and much of the unhappiness I’ve experienced. It wasn’t until I began working on overcoming the many fears and insecurities I felt about myself and life in general, that I was able to see how it was actually those things that were behind the prideful and egotistical behaviors I exhibited. I also knew if I ever wanted to stop behaving in that manner and be happier in life,  I needed to continue overcoming my fears and insecurities. I did this by using the tools of prayer, people, and hope and by believing in a creator I call god. Today I simply remind myself of who I am and who I am not, and try to practice some level of humility in my day to day affairs. As a result, I experience less fears and insecurities, have very few self created difficulties in life, and feel much happier. I can also say that today I have a true sense of ego and a more appropriate pride in myself. However, I will add that  if it weren’t for all the times when my fears and insecurities caused me to act out in the prideful and egotistical ways I did, I wouldn’t know the difference between having a false sense of ego, and a true one.

Sometimes regrets are good

There are are some people who don’t understand it when I get emotional while talking about my past. They think I may be dwelling in it too much or that perhaps I haven’t gotten over some of it yet. What they don’t understand is that I use the emotions I can still feel from my past to help others and to continue trying to be a better a person than I was before. For instance. When I allow myself to feel sadness over certain events in my childhood. It helps me understand any sadness someone else may be feeling over their own childhood and to better direct them as to what is needed to get past it. The same goes for anger, worry, and self pity. As far as how these emotions help me to be a better person. When I look back on the the times when I simply wasn’t the best person I could be, or a better husband and father. I use whatever sadness, and in some cases anger I feel towards myself, to help motivate me to be a better person, husband, and father today. I clearly understand that I wasn’t the most horrible person someone ever met, and in most circumstances often tried to do the right thing. However, make no mistake about it, some of the things I did were not spiritual and certainly should not of happened. Fortunately I know I’m not the same person I was back then and am capable of using my past and the emotions it sometimes brings to the surface, to not only help others and myself, but to also feel grateful for who I am today.

A reason for everything?

Sometimes I wonder how I can honestly tell people that I believe there is a reason for everything that happens in our our lives, especially when there doesn’t seem to be any answers for some of the bad things that occur. I know when something considered good happens it’s easy to claim there was a reason for it, but what about when some random tragedy happens to someone that doesn’t seem to have any meaning to it at all?  I have personally experienced things in my own life that seemed bad at the time, and was not only able to find meaning to it, but grow personally and spiritually from it as well. However, I never experienced some of the tragic events that others have. I already covered this in my post about gratefulness, but with what has been seeming like more and more tragic events taking place in the world around us, I can understand it if people begin to question whether or not there’s a God.  I guess all I can do to help others believe in something is to keep doing what I’ve been doing for myself over the last thirteen years now, which is to continue to look at the many good things that happen in my life and others, and believe as hard as I can that there is indeed a reason for everything that happens both good and bad. Although I know I don’t have all the answers to why some us go through the things we do, my life has shown me there is much more to this world than meets the eye. It is because of this that I can’t help but believe in a creator I call God, that will explain to me what life is about after I die, and I pray to it in the shower.

When a debate is no longer a debate

Although I wrote in an earlier post that I am beginning to stay away from any form of debate in my life and move on to what I know brings me more happiness.  I am admitting here that just last night I still somehow managed to get involved in what went from wanting to help someone with a loved one who is going through some emotional troubles, to quite a bit more than a simple debate with them, over whether or not our childhood and adolescence effects us as adults.   Not only was my view on this, which I will get to shortly, in total disagreement with them, but the way I went about it eventually seemed more like an attack from me than my view and understandably upset them. I was later reassured that this would in no way jeopardize our recently formed friendship, but this was definitely not how I wanted the evening to go, and it was surely not the way to help anyone. I also realize that not everyone needs to look at their past for answers to any emotional troubles they face as adults, or that “all”  of our troubles are a result of a bad childhood. I do however, believe that by looking at our past and talking to someone we have full trust in about what we experienced as a child and a teenager, rather real or perceived, can and often does lead to answers that helps us to better understand any emotional troubles we experience as adults. This can be self made troubles, or ones that can come from chemical imbalances in the brain, but make no mistake about it, if left untreated by medication, some type of therapy, or both, things will often never get better until we at least attempt to eliminate any possible childhood causation,  whether it be some type of emotional trauma, abuse, neglect, or as I mentioned simply perceived.  The thing I need to remember though, is that no matter how much I may disagree with someone else on any matter, it’s not up to me to convince them that I’m right.  I just feel in my heart that what ever the reason some of us end up with emotional troubles in our adulthood, whether it leads to alcohol and drug abuse, having trouble holding down a job, reckless or unwise decision making, or any other actions that brings us emotional pain and unhappiness in life. Somewhere inside of us there lies the answers as to why we feel the fears, insecurities, and negative emotions we do, and these things most certainly take root in our childhood, grow in our teenage years, and for some us without help, can remain throughout adulthood. Our childhood and teenage years can of course also be a great asset in helping us be well in life, but for those who have grown up filled with feelings of unhappiness, ones of hopelessness, a sense of worthlessness, or any type of fears and insecurities,  I just want to say I understand and my heart goes out to you. I do however, also need to learn when to hit the “off switch” when trying to help others understand their loved ones emotional problems, or for that matter anyone I’m trying to help, and remember although I have helped many people in my life and feel a compelling passion to do so, I’m not some self help guru or an expert on these matters. Not only does not knowing when to hit the off switch hurt peoples feelings, but it can put up a wall that prevents me from ever helping them in the future. I can however, make amends which I did. Use this experience to continue to grow as a personal, which I will. And share it with others in effort to be who I say I am, instead of who I was last night,  by turning a simple debate into something much more.

Spiritual Awakenings

I use to worry about telling people my views on religion, because I didn’t want to offend anyone or scare someone away in AA that wanted my help. This has changed however, as I find most people are going to believe what they want when it comes to there being a god or not.  Although I believe in a Creator I call God and don’t believe in a devil or Hell,   I refuse to argue with others about their beliefs or religion, or even their politics. I truly want people to believe in what ever they want to.   I have seen people of all religions and people who are Agnostic or Atheist do good things and it didn’t seem to matter what their political views were.  All of this actually makes me think of  the question I use to see on T-shirts and bumper stickers.  ”What would Jesus do?”   I think Jesus was a person who like spiritual leaders before and after him, realized his calling and knew he had the ability to “do”, “feel”, and “believe” that which he could not before and didn’t argue about who was right or wrong.   I first learned about this do, feel, and believe that which we couldn’t before,  in the Twelfth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was basically being used to describe what a “Spiritual Awakening” may be.  I personally have experienced a Spiritual Awakening by practicing The Twelve Steps of AA, but I do have my days when I let the outer world affect me.  There is just so much coming at us today, that it sometimes can  “block” our ability to do, feel, and believe that which we couldn’t before. When this happens to me, even though I am usually happy and optimistic, the “extreme and negative changes” that I believe have taken place in our world over the last twenty five years or so, causes my fears, insecurities, and negative emotions to rise to the surface and make me unhappy.  Fortunately I’ve learned to use this unhappiness to motivate me to “do” what ever I can to rebound and start practicing  love, kindness, understanding, and tolerance. Try to “feel” everything’s going to be all right even though it isn’t. And “believe” as hard as I can in a Creator I call God.  Although I may let this world affect me in negative ways at times, I inevitably remember who,  through what can only be described to me at least as a Spiritual Awakening, I have become. And this, along with my belief in a Creator I call God, fills me with an inner joy that’s different from any other happiness I experience.

Gratefulness

I have learned to work through the negative and unwanted events that sometimes comes along in everyday living and try to be grateful for the little things in my life.  And as a result I don’t let these types of events bother me as much as they use to, or really experience them a whole lot anymore. However, I’m not sure how I would handle the larger and much more traumatic and tragic events that can also come along in our lives. I hope I never have to experience some of the trauma and tragedy that some people go through, but I have personally seen how with the help of prayer, people, and hope people can and do move on and become stronger than they were before by choosing to. It’s the choosing part that we can get stuck on though.  However, if I look at my own life and how I have grown stronger by using prayer, people, and hope to help me in my quest to remain sober, be happy, and truly be grateful for the little things in my life. It helps me believe I could also, if I chose to, work through what ever trauma and tragedy may come my way. As I said I have seen people do this and become stronger for it, and a few of them were personal friends and family. I thank these people for also helping me believe that if we choose to, we can get through anything and come out the other side as well as we possibly can be and still feel grateful for the “little things” in life.